Life here is forever changing. BoomBoom is 8 months old and talking up a storm (she says “hiiiiiii” to anyone and anything, says “mama” and “baby” and a whole bunch of babble). She’s cruising all over the place and looks like she may be an early walker. We have also somehow gone from waking every 2 hours through the night to sleeping 12 hours straight, without any work on our end. It just happened. She also surprises us many nights by reading/talking herself to sleep after we finish the bedtime routine. It’s a very nice change after many, many sleepless nights. Naps are still a challenge, but as we’re more rested, it’s harder to care about those.
She really makes everything better. Although I do think about the cancer every day, it’s not my first thought. She is. She makes me laugh so hard and is an incredible distraction.
The chemo is getting harder to endure, but honestly, it’s still manageable. If I list off my side-effects, I’ll sound like the end of a commercial for some prescription, but really, the only things that are tough to deal with are the neuropathy, sensitivity to cold, fatigue, mouth sores and a bit of nausea. I’ve been able to keep my weight up and though I’m the smallest I’ve been in years, I’m still at a healthy weight.
I’ve cut out sugar and flour (including corn flour, rice flour, quinoa flour, etc.). It was hard at first. Not that I’m a huge sweet tooth, but I always liked *something* sweet after dinner, and now, my “treat” is fruit. The sugar is oddly harder than flour because it is in EVERYTHING. I’m feeling healthy (besides, you know, my liver covered in cancer) and sometimes I feel like that’s a hard part: I feel great and then suddenly I realize that I could be dying of cancer.
But I’m not dying. Because that’s not an option.
Good news is, it looks like I’m a candidate for a liver resection, and so far, it’s happening in early December. I’ll do chemo through the end of October and then have November to rest and get my immunity back before surgery. I’m not super comfortable with the 6-weeks of doing nothing, as I’m scared the cancer will regrow, so I may ask my oncologist if I can do one more chemo session in November. We’ll see though.
Back when I was healthy, we had planned a trip to Hawaii in November. Devon has to go for the organization she performs with, and we were going to extend the trip. The surgery date means that she can still go to her convention, but that the baby and I won’t go. I’m really sad about that, but I can’t risk getting sick on the airplane ride… and we don’t really have the money for it now. I’m glad Dev can still go, though it will be a tough week on my own, after my last chemo. My mother has offered to move in, but from previous experience, that’s harder to deal with than me being alone with the baby.
I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. But I’m also really grateful for all the good that is in my life right now, and that’s what I focus on.